For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die,’ But you say, ‘If anyone tells his father or his mother, “What you would have gained from me is given to God,” he need not honor his father.’ Matthew 15:4-6a ESV1
Read Matthew 15:1-9 & Mark 7:1-13
We’ve got a problem in the church, at least in the United States of America. Wives are lonely, and children are being neglected so husbands and fathers can hold leadership positions. Children are running unsupervised through church buildings several nights a week so their mothers can practice with bands which must perform at three services each weekend. Young mothers are living in exhausted frustration because they have no help and no mentors. Retired people are squandering their time in coffee clutches and meaningless activity only to feel utterly useless. Seniors are forsaken, wasting away in nursing homes. The list goes on.
The problem to which I am referring is in the inner workings of the American church. It is handicapping our effectiveness and is harming our brothers and sisters. Programs have taken precedence over people. The endless activity is distracting from the intended purpose of the church. The religious system of Jesus’ time had a similar problem.
The “Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, ‘Why do Your disciples break the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat.’ He answered them, ‘And why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, “Honor your father and your mother,” and, “Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.” But you say, “If anyone tells his father or his mother, ‘What you would have gained from me is given to God,’ he need not honor his father.” So, for the sake of your tradition, you have made void the word of God. You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: “‘“This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me; in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men”’” (Matthew 15:1-9).
The Jewish religious leaders needed money from the people to keep the temple up and running. By putting a spiritual spin on sacrificial giving, the Pharisees and scribes were able to persuade the Jewish people to hand over their money, even if it meant these generous people would put their families at risk to do it. Now, in this day and age, there are lots of clever and disingenuous religious leaders tricking people out of money, but I am not addressing this problem.
I am talking about the tendency we have today to ask the members of our churches to serve in church-related ministries, even if it means they must neglect their families and other responsibilities in the process. Like the Jewish religious leaders did with giving money, we have attempted to influence our congregations to be actively involved in the local church. It may not have been an intentional manipulation, but don’t we, Sunday after Sunday, speak about being more committed to the church? And don’t we, from the pulpit, beg people to volunteer in the ministries we offer? We are making serving in the church sound like a religious requirement. We are continually guilting people into getting more involved. This involvement often requires church members to sacrifice the time and energy they should be spending elsewhere.
Now, I understand, churches need workers. About twenty percent of the people are doing eighty percent of the work. The vast majority of church attendees are not participating at all in the ministries of the church. The minority who are actively engaged are being run ragged. Something must be done!
I get it. My husband and I have been part of the twenty percent. I have often wished I could have enough help so that I could actually enjoy the event I had planned. Over and over, I prayed that my husband could be home, at least a few nights a week, so that he could spend some time with our children. And, oh, how I hoped that my husband and I could have a meaningful conversation that did not include the needs of the church.
But maybe the something that must be done has nothing to do with convincing consumers to become missional partners. Perhaps we aren’t intended to entice the world into the church so a few can minister to many. Instead, maybe the church is meant for a small group committed Christians to gather, get equipped, and go out and reach the world.
What if we are working under the wrong premise? What if the church was never intended to provide outreach opportunities? What if the local church isn’t supposed to be the primary religious trainer of neighborhood children? What if competing with an entertainment overloaded society isn’t the right goal?
Maybe bigger isn’t better. Perhaps we aren’t supposed to provide a buffet line of opportunities. What if the church gave just the meat-and-potatoes of Christian living to those already committed to Christ? How would things be different if Sunday morning was used to equip Christians to go out and bring Christ into their lives the other six and a half days of the week? What if we taught our congregants how to hear from God, how abide in Christ, and how to have a vibrant Spirit-filled ministry in their everyday lives? What if we, as a body, shared where we saw God working and how we were able to join Him?
What if the twenty percent did twenty percent of the ministry inside the church and the eighty percent were given what they need to do eighty percent of the ministry outside of the church? What if every Christian’s ministry is actually right at the end of his/her nose in something he/she is already doing? If God has determined the exact place and time for each of us to live (see Acts 17:26), He can put His people in the exact right places for them to minister.
God commands parents to teach their own children. “These words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Parents can’t obey this direction if they are not consistently available to their children.
“Many church-attending young adults [stop] going to church upon graduating from high school. Their faith just [isn’t] personally meaningful to them. They [do] not have a first-hand faith. The church [has] not become a valued and valuable expression in their [lives]—one that impacts how they live and how they relate and how they grow. Church was perhaps something their parents wanted them to do. They may have grown up in church, and perhaps they faced pressure from parents and even peers to be involved in church. But it [isn’t] a first-hand faith … We cannot posture our student ministries to think like and act like a four-year holding tank with pizza. Instead, we need to prepare young adults for the spiritual challenges that will come and the faith questions they will face. Firsthand faith leads to life change and life-long commitment.”2
Parents are best equipped to pass on the faith to their own children. This happens naturally when children see their parents’ faith played out in daily life. If parents are always busy elsewhere, or if faith is only modeled in a church setting, children will not claim this faith as their own.
You may ask, “What about all the children who don’t have committed Christian parents willing to teach them?” That might not be a problem if we encouraged parents that they are fit for the responsibility of training the children God specifically chose for them. Parents might have the confidence and the knowledge they needed if we concentrated on giving them the resources to do the job. You might also ask, “What about all the children who don’t have Christian parents?” If we taught Christians to use their gifts to minister outside of the church, we could equip them, as families, to reach their neighbors. A ministry such as this would be more personal and could reach those who would never consider attending a church.
Like Jesus pointed out to the Pharisees and scribes in the above text, children of all ages have an obligation to their parents. God demands that we honor and care for our parents. “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 5:16). “‘Honor your father and mother’… is the first commandment with promise” (Ephesians 6:2). Children will find it difficult to honor, obey, or otherwise be available for their parents if they are stretched to their limits with endless activity. What if we eliminated much of the busyness in church? What if we taught about the importance of honor? What if we encouraged families to spend multi-generational time together?
A man’s ministry should first be to his wife and children. The Apostle Paul taught that if a man can’t take care of his family, he has no business leading in the church. “An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient” (Titus 1:6). And the Apostle Peter pointed out if a man isn’t treating his wife right, his prayers aren’t going to be answered. “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman …, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Older men are supposed to lead the church (thus the title “Elder”), but only after they have proven they have successfully cared for their families.
Older women are supposed to mentor younger women. “Older women … are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be reviled” (Titus 2:3-5). Older women will never be able to fulfill this responsibility if they haven’t first, as younger women, lived what they will eventually teach—if they haven’t practiced what they preach.
Instead, many older people feel they aren’t needed. They think they have nothing to give and that their opinions wouldn’t be considered necessary anyway. With all the energy and the focus on being relevant to the youth, we have, in a way, told them to leave the ministry to the young people. Young and old alike are suffering because of it.
I believe we have gotten into this state because of the subtle sneakiness of our selfishness sin nature. It is easier for us to check off the religious responsibility box by serving in the church than shepherding our families. It is easier to pay a young man to entertain and teach religion to our children than to train them up in righteousness ourselves. It is easier to write out a check to an organization that cares for widows and orphans across the world than to befriend the single mother and her fatherless children across the street. It is easier to spend every morning at the coffee shop than to be a mentor. It is easier to complain with our friends than share advice with those needing it. It is easier to keep our faith separate from our everyday lives. That is why we are falling for the same lies as people did in Jesus’ day.
Let’s not be like the religious leaders of the past who manipulated people, both those desiring to please God and those wanting to shirk their responsibilities, to make our lives easier or to keep our institutions afloat. Let’s make changes and get out of this crazy cycle. Let’s get back to the basics. Let’s take back the church by taking Christ into our daily lives, our everyday responsibilities, and closest relationships.
If you are married, don’t let your marriage fall apart and end in divorce. And don’t settle for a mediocre marriage hanging on by a thread. Cherish and nourish your marriage. Protect it from Satan’s advances. By destroying the family, Satan is destroying our witness, our churches, our communities, and even our nation.
“Saying you believe something or merely belonging to a church, unsurprisingly, does little for marriage. But the more you are involved in the actual practice of your faith in real ways – through submitting yourself to a serious body of believers, learning regularly from Scripture, being in communion with God through prayer individually and with your spouse and children, and having friends and family around us who challenge us to take our marriages seriously – the greater difference this makes in strengthening both the quality and longevity of our marriages.”3
If you are a parent, your family is your responsibility. Children’s Leaders and Youth Pastors are there to assist you, but they are not more qualified to teach your children about God than you are. You know your own children better than anyone else does. God gave them to you for a reason. Get on your knees, and cry out to God for wisdom in raising them. Get into your Bible. Discover the truth and share it with your children as you go through daily life.
If you are a retired person, and your children are raised, and your parents are gone, your community and church are your responsibility. Don’t fall for the lie that the younger people have the energy and the new ideas. You have the wisdom and life experience. Share what you know. Quit wasting your time in useless activity complaining about your ailments and the state of the nation. Reach out to your own children and some other young families. From time to time, give them a helping hand and some hard-learned advice. Don’t worry about rejection. You might be blown off at first, but sooner or later, your love and time-tested wisdom will make a difference. Don’t worry about how exhausted you will be. You will be able to catch a nap much sooner than that young mother will.
If you are a child, honor your parents. It is one of the Ten Commandments, for God’s sake. Your parents gave you life. The least you can do is treat them the way you would want to be treated when you get their age. It doesn’t matter how difficult it is; it is not an option.
The following quote is attributed to Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.” In the church, we can’t continue the way we have for so long and expect to make a real difference in this world. May we be willing to be a little radical and do something different. May we pray for guidance to get our churches in line with what God intended from the beginning. If we don’t, I fear we deserve the same chastisement Jesus gave to the Pharisees and scribes: “‘“This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me; in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men”’” (Matthew 15:9).
1 Scripture quotations marked with ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. All Scriptures are taken from the ESV unless otherwise noted.